Apologies for the following post - I need to vent.
I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT WHAT I WANT WHILST HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT WHETHER I'M OVER MY POINTS ALLOWANCE FOR THE DAY OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate wanting to say no to food but then going ahead and saying yes anyway. IT'S MORE SATISFYING WRITING IN CAPITALS SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE FOR THE REST OF THE POST. SORRY. I HAVE JUST EATEN A GOOD COUPLE OF CHUNKS OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. I CAUGHT MYSELF STUFFING OVEN FRIES INTO MY MOUTH. I SAT WITH A SMALL MIXING BOWL FULL OF POPCORN COVERED IN OIL SALT AND ICING SUGAR ON MY LAP THE OTHER DAY AND ATE IT ALL. I AM FAILING MISREABLY AT THIS WHOLE WEIGHT LOSS THING. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT I WILL BE OVER 90 KILOS TOMORROW AFTER I FOUGHT SO LONG TO GET UNDER IT I KNOW I WILL BE OVER IT TOMORROW. Rebekah, if you see this before tomorrows meeting, I don't want to come and I don't want to know if I'm over 90 or not... Back to ranting. I know these cycles quite well now. I'll track for a week or two, lose a bit of weight, sort of track, sort of lose weight but gain a bit, and then there's the stuff your face part where I eat anything and everything in my sight, and then straight after that it's the beat yourself up and feeling INCREDIBLY guilty and sick and want to just somehow break through this wall that is stopping me getting to the end of this journey. Help me? Someone or something? Anyone one got a really big hammer that they want to lend me so I can smash down this lovely big wall that I have gotten to know oh so very well over the past couple of months? I want that feeling of 'yes I can do it and I want to do this' that I had at the beginning of my journey. It was so easy then and it was so nice ot know that I was actually doing something about my weight, but now it's just depressing. I know I can say no to food but it's like I don't want to... it's like I'm holding onto something that has 'controlled' my life and it ain't letting go and it sucks! Who wants to do this for me? Any volunteers? Anyone??? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does this seem to become the main focus of your life when you're doing it? Did you know I've noticed things changing as I've put on weight. My face is a little rounder, my hands are a tad chubbier and my thighs a little wobblier... All the things that I didn't miss are starting to come back and I'm starting to be fat again. I've always been the fat girl and finally for once in my life, people were calling me slim and skinny and saying how hot and good I look and I believed it and knew it for myself. Finally believed it. Do I believe it still? Nope. Not at this very moment. I want to get back there. I want to go back to the happy and confident girl that I have been over the past couple of months. Over this past year actually... I keep making these goals and promises to myself but there's a voice in my head that tells me that I won't make it, that I won't be able to say no to that bowl of ice cream or that piece of cake. I need a plan I think.
Thanks for listening to Sophie rant. Tune in next time to hear more of her lovely struggles in her weight loss journey.
Gorgeous Sophie,
ReplyDeleteI read your post last night before I went to bed but the baby woke up so I couldn't reply and I went to sleep thinking about it (your post, not the baby) and woke up thinking about it.
Can I say, first and foremost, that I COMPLETELY FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!!!
Weight loss is a bit of a shit journey sometimes, I think mostly because in our heart of hearts we know it's a journey for life for those of us that tend to eat more than our bodies need.
I eat when I'm bored, when I'm in transit between activities and I eat when I'm anxious/ stressed/ worried/ overwhelmed/ cross. Do you have a version of this? It makes it a mental game as much as a physical one for me.
Here are a few things I'm trying to do which may or may not help you to get started again...
1. When I go to eat something like a sweet from the sweet jar, when I know I'm not actually hungry, I ask myself what I'm feeling. Even if I eat it anyway I ask the question. It's interesting what comes up in my answers and often acknowledging that feeling, whatever it may be, is enough to stop me eating.
2. This one I've been really sporadic with, but it works a treat when I do it... I try to drink lots of water. I have a small glass so I can pretty much scull it and therefore don't end up having that problem where I take a few sips, put it down and forget about it.
3. I reward myself $5 a day for eating well and tracking. I can still have the $5 if I didn't track but I know I didn't eat bad stuff, but I can't have it if I did track and had a big blow out. The eating well is going to be part of my life much longer than the tracking in a Weight Watchers note book. Also I'm like a dodgy accountant with that tracking and pointing sometimes. I make it about making the numbers add up in any way I can rather than being honest about what I've put in my mouth.
Oh, and I get a $10 bonus at the end of the week if I lose weight.
4. I run up the stairs. I could walk, but instead I run. I don't run down them though as that's just dangerous.
5. And finally, on the weeks where I know I'm not up the task of tracking or trying to lose weight, whether that be because I have PMT or because i have lots of social occasions on, I set this goal... JUST STAY PUT. Eat, but not so much that you'll put on weight.
Let me finish by telling you a story that might put a smile on your face. Joe was feeling a bit glum this morning so I thought I'd cheer him up by telling him that his Uncle Adam (my brother) was coming to stay this weekend. Instead of just telling him, I decided to give him clues. My first clue was
"It's someone who likes to play with you..." "Daddy" he said (he's not very good at guessing. His Daddy lives here so he's not really a candidate for coming to stay is he?)
"No. It's someone who you think is really funny..." "Mikey" (his cousin) he said
"No. It's someone with a big fat tummy..." "YOU!!" he said.
*Sigh* Now won't that just teach me for calling my brother fat. Bit of a low moment for me there Soph, but kind of motivating as well.
See you tonight? Or are you back in Auckland? I'll face the fear and do it anyway if you will. xxR
Thank you Rachel. You have no idea how much this means to me. :) I will come tonight - my last meeting before I head back to Auckland, but I will be there. I must say that I am enjoying your blog, brings a light to my day! See you tonight xo
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